


Follow the Money Trail

by Amity33



Category: Eroica Yori Ai o Komete | From Eroica with Love
Genre: Humor, M/M, Money, coins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:46:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23234947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amity33/pseuds/Amity33
Summary: Just how much of a blessing and a bane is James? Find out in my first James fic! For the January groups.io challenge.
Relationships: Klaus von dem Eberbach/Dorian Red Gloria
Comments: 11
Kudos: 9
Collections: From Eroica With Love - Groups Challenges





	Follow the Money Trail

Major Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach did not believe in God, but on the off chance he was wrong and he happened to meet his maker one day the first thing he was going to ask was why was it so darn difficult to let him fulfill one single mission without Eroica and his ridiculous entourage turning up out of nowhere to mess everything up.

Of course, this mission in Leipzig was no exception. Of course the mansion of the wealthy sod who, in addition to being insufferably smug and obnoxious, was suspected of being part of an arms dealer ring, would happen to house a priceless sculpture of some pansy youngster in half-undone clothing, and of course Eroica would happen to choose to break in on the very same night the Major had received intel that the place would be unoccupied due to the wealthy sod and his family going on an impromptu short vacation to Ibiza. It was probably fortunate that he did not believe in God, because if he did he would have to conclude that those constant run-ins with the thief were God’s idea of punishing him for his sins, and that would certainly fall under the category of cruel and unusual punishment. Especially when the stingy bug was there too.

“How dreadful of you, my looooord! You’re so cruel! Three million we were going to get for the statue! Three million! And two months’ worth of preparations wasted! And all the money we spent on the plane tickets! Economy class too, not cargo like I told you! And now you agree to walk away without a penny to show for it, just because that horrible Major asked you to – ”

“Jamesie, dear, I did not quite _agree_ to it,” Eroica’s voice was honeyed like always, only a hint of sharpness betraying that his patience was, in fact, wearing out. “The Major made it abundantly clear that our presence here will compromise whatever undoubtedly serious business he has going on, and that he’s violently opposed to it. Now I don’t know for you, but I don’t particularly fancy getting shot, therefore much as I regret forfeiting this opportunity to liberate that lovely _Narcissus_ , I do believe we have no alternative in the matter, do we, Major? No? Yes, I thought not. Well then, don’t let us detain you; lovely running into you tonight and all that.” Hastily he turned to go, but the Major swiftly reached out and grabbed him by the scruff of his collar.

“Not so fast, Dieb,” he snarled in a tone that left no room for objections. “You’ve caused us considerable delay with your antics tonight, and to make up for it I’ll have you do some honest work for once. Get those reprobates of yours cracking on the locks and alarm systems, and once we’re inside you’re going to open the safe for me.” Neither Eroica nor anyone else of the gang thought it wise to oppose his orders and they got to work silently, except for the stingy bug who continued whining non-stop about the ransom they had lost and the expenditures that would be simply _impossible_ to balance out. “ENOUGH!” the Major bellowed at him, unable to bear his incessant grumbling any longer; fortunately the house was rather isolated and there was no one nearby who could hear him. “If I hear anything else coming out of your mouth, you can add a limb or two to your losses! And you should count yourself lucky you didn’t get to demand ransom from the likes of Steinbrenner! People have been found dead in ditches for less!” Eroica flinched as he heard those words, realizing that he had wandered a tad too close to the lion’s den with this heist, but the stingy bug merely crossed his arms sullenly and glowered at him through one unhidden eye. He did shut up though, much to everyone’s relief.

Bonham and Jones made short work of the entrance lock and the alarm and went first inside; once Jones had declared that all active cameras and motion detectors had been deactivated, Eroica, the Major and a few of his men followed them inside. “Now then, Major…if you would point me to the safe…?” inquired the thief.

The Major raised his eyebrows disdainfully. “You were about to burgle this house and you don’t even know where the safe is?”

“Of course I don’t, Major!” Eroica said exasperatedly. “Why would I know or care about it? I wasn’t going to take anything but the statue! I cannot believe that after all these years we’ve known each other it has not sunk in yet that I’m not a common thief! I liberate works of art, is what I do! _You’re_ the one who’s interested in that safe, so where is _your_ intelligence on it? Please don’t tell me your brilliant plan was to roam about the house all night, hoping to stumble into it by chance!”

The intensity of the Major’s glare was such that it could peel the paint off the walls. “There wasn’t enough time for a full reconnaissance, you impertinent twit,” he ground out. “But we never go on a mission unprepared.” He gestured at his agents, and B came running with a rolled blueprint. “Here is a plan of the house; I assume you have one as well. On the ground floor there is a kitchen and pantry, living-room, sitting-room, dining-room, study, library, billiard-room, smoking-room and a trophy room of sorts as well as two small bathrooms; the shed is separate from the house,” he rattled off succinctly. “Upstairs there are five bedrooms and three guest-rooms, all with attached bathrooms. Now, based on our surveillance data, Steinbrenner likes to keep his business and personal life strictly separate; therefore the safe is unlikely to be in his bedroom which he shares with his wife. The other bedrooms and guest-rooms are completely out of the question; if the safe was there the risk of discovery would be too high. That means we can limit our search to the ground floor. Kitchen, pantry and dining-room are also out since there are family and servants in and out all the time, and the living-room is opened only on formal occasions so that’s probably out too. Which means the safe is in one of the other ground floor rooms, and likely well-camouflaged since aside from what we’re looking for it also contains the family’s valuables.”

“That narrows it down a bit, but there are still quite a few rooms we need to investigate…Wait a minute, did you say valuables?” Eroica asked suddenly. “You mean like gold, or jewellery?”

The Major’s eyes narrowed. “I believe I told you that you are not to steal anything here.”

“No, no, Major, you misunderstood me; I merely thought of a quicker method to locate that safe. Oh Jamesie! Come over here, dear!”

The stingy bug was obviously still sulking when he made his way towards them. “What now? Haven’t we done enough unpaid labour for that dreadful man?” he asked tartly.

“There, Jamesie, don’t be like that,” Eroica cajoled him, putting an affectionate arm around his shoulders. “You know, the sooner we get this done, the sooner we can regroup and find a way to compensate for all those financial losses. Now, you…uh, wouldn’t happen to smell any significant amount of gold anywhere in the vicinity, would you?”

The stingy bug’s one visible eye shot him a disapproving look. “Even if I did, what’s the use telling you since we’re not going to get any of it? For me, that would be nothing but torture! I have suffered quite enough today seeing all of you work for free, but I will never submit myself to such humiliation! You may have no dignity left, but I do!” To be sure, a pretty ludicrous thing to hear from someone whose clothes had more patches than their original fabric, but it seemed that even the stingy bug had some standards he adhered to religiously.

“But Jamesie, dear, I already told you it’s for the sake of getting started on a new project that much sooner,” Eroica kept trying to persuade him. “Besides, the longer we stay here the greater risk we run of being detected, so if you would please…”

But from the looks of it, the stingy bug was going to be particularly headstrong tonight. “Tough luck, your lordship. Even if it’s you asking, I will not work without compensation. It goes against everything I stand for.” Eroica gave the Major a helpless look and the latter’s hands automatically clenched into fists as the rage boiling inside threatened to overcome him. However, violence would do no good, as the stingy bug had proved quite impervious to it in the past; so, after shutting his eyes tightly for a few seconds to compose himself, the Major unclenched one hand, put it in his trousers pocket and rummaged for something. “A!” he called over his shoulder. “Do you have any loose change on you?”

Agent A approached with a puzzled look on his face. “Loose…change, sir?” he asked uncertainly.

“Ja,” the Major said with evident effort. “Ask the others too. About a handful of coins will do – the shinier the better.” A dutifully made the rounds of his fellow agents and shortly afterwards he was back at the Major’s side, proffering a handful of small coin. The Major added a couple of coins he had found in his own pockets to that and went over to Eroica who was still trying in vain to enlist the stingy bug’s help. “Leave him be, Eroica,” he said almost genially, with that deceptively friendly smile he only utilized for work purposes. “I suppose it _is_ unfair to ask him to employ such exceptional talents without offering anything in return. Look here, stingy bug,” he added with a wolfish grin, opening his fist to reveal the coins inside. “Find where the safe is, and these are yours.”

It was almost funny to see how quickly the stingy bug’s expression switched from ‘offended dignity’ to ‘blatant avarice’. “Coins! Shiny pretty coins! I want them, I want them, I want them!” He lunged to snatch them with incredible speed, but the Major swiftly raised his hand out of reach. “You’ve got to earn them first,” he growled, and at long last the stingy bug, sufficiently motivated, set his nose to work.

The sitting-room was, as the Major expected, a bust; though not entirely as far as James was concerned, since he managed to sniff out a penny which had rolled under the sideboard, a sparkling bead, probably from some faux jewellery, which was lodged under the sofa and a fake pearl button under the coffee table. When he was finally convinced that there was nothing else to be found and they moved on to the next room – the smoking-room – the Major caught Eroica staring wistfully somewhere down the corridor. “What’s over there?” he asked sharply.

“Oh, it’s the – the trophy room you mentioned earlier, Major,” the Earl said with a forlorn look. “It’s where Herr Steinbrenner keeps the most noteworthy pieces of his various collections on display…The statue of _Narcissus_ is there too.”

The Major’s eyes narrowed suspiciously again. “We’ll leave that one for last, I don’t want you getting into temptation. Move along,” and he dragged the thief to the smoking-room where James was already hard at work. The safe wasn’t there either, but unfortunately the stingy bug would not be persuaded to move on unless he had fished out every single coin and other tiny thing that might lay forgotten underneath the furniture; and as is usually the case with antique, heavy and hard to move furniture, there was no shortage of them.

“Mein Gott, not another one,” groaned the Major as he saw James slithering underneath a large Chesterfield armchair in order to reach God knows what was hiding – and likely had been hiding for the past decade at least – behind the armchair’s back leg. “I have officially reached the lowest point of my career as a NATO officer, having to put up with this.”

“Oh come now, Major, it’s not that bad,” laughed Eroica next to him. “You’re only using Mr. James’ special skills in order to locate your target. I do believe law enforcement officers use similar methods to locate criminals quite often; why, just the other day I saw something like that on the telly, in one of those detective dramas Jonesy likes to watch…What was it called again? Ah yes, ‘following the money trail’, I believe. Haven’t you heard of it before, Major? I don’t think it’s that different from what we’re doing now, is it?”

The Major gave him a deadpan look. “Don’t presume to tell _me_ about following the money trail, Eroica,” he said drily. “I’ve done it plenty of times, and I can say with unquestionable certainty it bears absolutely no resemblance to this,” and he pointed at James crawling out from underneath the armchair with another coin in hand. “This place is a treasure trove!” he exclaimed excitedly.

The Major sighed heavily and dragged him off to the study next. However, this time it was different. Instead of throwing himself into hunting for coppers, this time as soon as he stepped through the door James suddenly froze and stared fixedly at the wall to the right of the huge mahogany desk, straight towards a rather mundane still life painting in a gilt frame. His posture was exactly like that of a hunting dog having picked up a strong scent; if he had a tail, it would certainly be rigid and high up in the air. “Gold!” he whispered feverishly. “Lots of gold! Over there! I can smell it!”

Eroica moved quickly over to the painting and looked it over, clicking his tongue and murmuring “How garish” as he surveyed it. Then his professional instincts took over, and he passed his fingers delicately and expertly behind the frame, until he located the secret switch; he pushed it and the painting swung to the side, revealing the safe door.

“Splendid, truly splendid work, Jamesie,” the thief praised warmly. The stingy bug drew himself up with pride, and approached the Major with an outstretched hand. “I’ll be taking my compensation now, thank you very much,” he said, obviously pleased with himself; the Major rolled his eyes and handed him the coins without a word. While James was busy counting them gleefully, Eroica started examining the safe with the air of a true professional. “Now then, let’s see what I’m up against…Ah, it’s the latest Viking Security model, is it? Hmm, somewhat tricky, these ones…I will need a bit of time to tackle it. Jonesy, be a dear and help me with the built-in alarm, will you?” Jones nodded affirmatively and approached the safe as well, his toolkit in hand; the two of them examined the safe once more while exchanging a few whispered comments; then Jones pulled a screwdriver out of his toolkit, unscrewed the safe’s panel and started tinkering with the wiring while Eroica watched over him. The Major watched as well with an impatient grimace; the last thing he needed was more delays. “How long do you think it’s going to take?” he asked restlessly.

“Hard to tell, Major, each safe has its own…personality, so to speak,” Eroica replied readily. “Speaking of, Jamesie dear, since your work here is done, why don’t you take a gander around the library until we get this little fellow open? Coins do tend to roll under the library shelves a lot, don’t they…Lord knows I’ve lost a pretty penny to the Castle Gloria libraries.” James squealed excitedly and jumped up and down eagerly, and then he took off for the library at once, the safe totally forgotten. The Major quickly signaled B to keep the stingy bug under watch, and the plump agent hastened to follow him.

The Major wasn’t quite sure why Eroica had purposely sent the stingy bug away, but he did notice that the moment he was gone, the two thieves picked up their pace considerably. Jones deactivated the alarm in a matter of minutes, and then Eroica assumed position with a set of instruments of his own in order to figure out the combination. He didn’t seem to be having any particular difficulty, seeing as the correct numbers popped up one after the other. “Is that safe really so difficult to open? Doesn’t look that way to me,” the Major remarked suspiciously.

“Actually, no, it isn’t,” admitted Eroica, “but I thought it would be best if Jamesie wasn’t present when we open it. Those coins you gave him won’t hold any water if he happens to see the contents.”

The Major kept staring at him suspiciously. “For someone who’s not interested in that safe, you seem to have a pretty good idea what’s inside,” he persisted with an obviously mistrustful expression.

Eroica tossed his long hair back, a clear sign that he was starting to get irritated by this interrogation. “Believe it or not, Major, I truly have no idea exactly what is in there, but judging by Jamesie’s reaction, I can tell you positively that it’s worth a lot. The last time he acted like this, we came across…how much was it, Jonesy?”

“Half a million dollars, I believe, my lord.” The Major was quite shocked to hear that, but as usually he didn’t let his expression falter. “If there’s really so much money in there, the probability of additional security systems we don’t know about is very high. Every minute we spend here is dangerous, so get on with it.” Eroica obediently resumed working on the combination, and sure enough, a few minutes later the safe door was gaping wide open. “All yours, Major,” he said proudly.

The Major approached the safe impatiently and peered inside with his flashlight first without touching anything; he needed to remember exactly how the contents were positioned so that he could leave them precisely as they were after he had found what he was looking for. The first thing he noticed was that Eroica had not exaggerated about the amount of money and valuables in the safe; there was a significant amount of banknote bundles stacked together at the back, several jewellery boxes with famous brand names like Tiffany’s, Cartier and Bulgari embossed on them, and no less than five gold bars; it was inconceivable to him that the stingy bug had readily turned his back at so much wealth in order to chase after pennies lurking under the library shelves. Then again, like Eroica had said he hadn’t actually laid eyes on it, and it would probably be for the best if he never did. He swiftly moved the jewellery boxes and gold bars aside to get what he was looking for: several folders which hopefully contained the paperwork proving Steinbrenner’s illicit activities. He took the folders out, spread them on the desk and gestured at his men again; A, C and Z promptly approached the desk equipped with microcameras, while the rest of his team combed the other shelves and drawers in the room for anything else that might be useful to them. The Major and his men worked quickly, photographing everything in the folders as well as some other documents they found outside of the safe, and as soon as the Major was satisfied that there was nothing else to be discovered he put everything back inside the safe exactly as it was and motioned Eroica and Jones to re-lock the safe and set the alarm again. In the meantime his agents had also put back everything they had found outside the safe in its proper place as well, so it would seem that their job there was finally done.

But he had barely dared to breathe a sigh of relief when a sudden feeling of dread came over him. “Hey, where’s the stingy bug?” he asked sharply.

Eroica looked around questioningly as well. “True, he should have finished with the library by now,” he said worriedly, then he brightened up a bit as he spotted B’s portly figure coming hurriedly towards them. “Ah, that’s Agent B now, but…he’s alone,” he said with dismay.

“B!” barked the Major angrily as the rotund agent rushed towards them, panting. “Where in the blazes has the stingy bug gone? You were supposed to keep an eye on him!”

B could not answer immediately, seeing as he was huffing and puffing at an alarming rate. “I’m so sorry, Major!” he finally exclaimed between gasps. “I…I lost him!”

“What the fuck do you mean you LOST him, you buffoon?!” bellowed the Major. “How the hell could you have lost a grown man inside a closed room? Are your eyes for decoration purposes, you dolt?”

“Well,” B started narrating profusely whilst still gasping for breath, “first we went over to the library, and he looked under every single shelf and desk and table for coins and stuff, and when he was done there he went all on his own to the billiard-room next door, and I followed him of course, and he looked under the chairs and the like again at first, and after he was done with them he noticed there was a bar counter at one end of the room, and he went behind the counter to search there too, and he was taking a long time back there, and I started to get somewhat bored, and then I noticed this amazing authentic 60’s jukebox in the opposite corner of the room, genuine collector’s item, Major, and in excellent condition too, and I just went over to it for a second to check out which records it had on, and I swear I only turned my back for like a minute, but when I returned to the counter I couldn’t hear him anymore, and I looked behind the counter and he was gone! And I thought he might have returned to Lord Gloria so I came here too, but now he’s not here either and…” Poor B was positively hyperventilating now, and his bright red face suggested that he was dangerously near a stroke.

Eroica took pity on him. “Don’t worry, agent B, he can’t have gone far,” he said soothingly. “In all probability he’s still looking for more loot; as long as he hasn’t exhausted the house’s interior, he should be somewhere inside, perhaps…” Just then a thought seemed to occur to him, and he started down the corridor in alarm. “Major, I hope you have concluded your mission here, because we have no more time left,” he said over his shoulder. “Bonham, Jones, gather up everything and make ready to evacuate!”

The two thieves understood the urgency in his voice and wordlessly started packing their gear and double-checking their equipment to make sure nothing was left behind, but the Major could not make sense of Eroica’s curt statement. “Eroica, what’s going on here?” he yelled after the thief’s speedily retreating figure. “Why are we in danger?”

“Because the trophy room is next to the billiard-room, Major,” the thief’s grim reply came from down the corridor. “I just hope I’m not too late.”

From there on out, things started happening very fast. Barely had Eroica’s figure disappeared in the last room down the corridor – the trophy room – when the Major heard again his voice saying, “Ah, there you are, Jamesie – no, don’t touch – !” His words were drowned by the sudden blaring of an alarm and seconds later, before anyone could make heads or tails of what had happened, the stingy bug whizzed up the corridor and past the Major faster than the eye could see, holding what looked like several pieces of white cardboard possessively against his chest and screeching “Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!” “Everybody out, now!” shouted the Major, just as Eroica, who was also sprinting after James, overtook him and kept running towards the exit without looking back. “Major, I fear we must beat a hasty retreat!” he called out. “It would seem that Jamesie tripped an alarm!”

“Ja, I noticed!” the Major yelled at him, enraged. “Didn’t you incompetent buggers say you deactivated all the alarms?”

“Yes, on the doors and the safe! We didn’t waste time on the ones on the displays, since you forbade us to steal anything! Unfortunately, Herr Steinbrenner had some folders of his coin collection on display…Poor Jamesie couldn’t resist the temptation!”

“Don’t expect _me_ to resist the temptation to skin the lot of you alive if you ever meddle with my missions again!” roared the Major, chasing after him with unequivocally murderous intent. “Get out of my sight!”

“Duly noted, Major! Ta for now, I love you too!” “Why you degenerate pest of a wanker – !” hollered the Major again and redoubled his efforts to catch up to the thief, but in vain. For a decadent poofter in high-heeled boots, Eroica sure could run.

Soon enough the double exertion of crying out curses and sprinting at top speed proved too much for him and he was forced to give up the chase – the thieves were long gone anyway. Breathing hard and holding his sides, he stopped and waited for his agents to catch up; a few moments later they reached him, no less exhausted; B in particular was wheezing like a steam engine and looked about ready to be hospitalized. “…Should we…pursue them, sir…?” asked A, panting with effort.

“No time for that, damn it,” he said between gritted teeth. “We must act quickly while we’re still ahead. A, find the company in charge of the mansion’s security; Z, get me the police on the phone. We must ensure Steinbrenner doesn’t find out about the burglary until he returns from Ibiza at least. G, make sure B doesn’t die on us; the rest of you, get to work on the documents we photographed.” He gave the knackered agents his most stern look and added mercilessly, “Forget going home on time for at least a week, all of you. We’re going to be very busy.”

KDKDKDKDKDKDKDKDKDKDKDKDKDKDKDKDKDKDKDKDKDKD

They were indeed kept very busy for the following days, wrapped up as they were in their efforts to see the mission through to the end, and therefore about a month had elapsed before Klaus was finally able to pay a visit to a certain property just outside of Bornheim, a small village a few miles north-west of Bonn. A property which had been purchased with untraceable money, through long and twisting channels of intermediaries, and was currently ostensibly owned by an off-shore company on the Virgin Islands. As far as the villagers knew, it was closed down and uninhabited – and so it was, most of the time. The windows were always firmly shuttered, so much so that even if the lights were on they wouldn’t be visible from outside, the chimney never smoked, and no cars were ever parked outside. But the villagers didn’t wonder much why it was uninhabited, since there was nothing particularly attractive about it; a regular two-room country house, plus kitchen and bathroom, with a rather run-down exterior, sitting in an acre of unkempt yard. Probably had been bought as an estate investment, but whoever had bought it didn’t think it was worth renovating it too. The only slightly odd thing about it was that, even though there was a whole acre of yard that could be used as parking space, someone had taken the trouble to build an underground garage.

As always, Klaus had taken every measure to ensure he hadn’t been followed; not that anyone would be able to tail him undetected in those dark, deserted provincial roads. Still, after checking the road one more time for any approaching vehicles, he pressed the remote button briskly and the garage door opened; five seconds later, his Benz had disappeared inside the garage and the road outside the house was completely still and empty once more. As he alighted out of the car, he noticed with satisfaction that the second parking space in the garage was already occupied – by a red Lamborghini.

Yes, he could definitely look forward to a well-deserved respite again tonight – one of those respites which had become part of his life some time ago, and fortunately nobody, except perhaps one, knew how necessary they had become for him over the course of time. Sure, they came with a certain risk, sure, they had required careful planning and some fiscal exertion – this was but one of several haunts scattered across England, Germany and a few other European countries – but after a long while, he had finally concluded that, after dedicating every waking moment to Germany and NATO, it wasn’t such a crime to keep a few nights a year for himself. Even the military shrinks were all about ‘looking after yourself’ and ‘taking downtime’ these days, though his decision really had practically nothing to do with them.

Contrary to the neglected exterior, the inside of the house was well kept and tastefully furnished, giving off an ambience of subdued luxury. Above everything, it was a place of comfort and rest – that’s what he and Dorian had meant for it to be, and therefore that was exactly what they had created, down to the last detail. It still took some getting used to, that between the two of them there was very little they could not accomplish.

Dorian was eagerly waiting for him, and lost no time in showering him with words and gestures of affection, perhaps a tad more so, one might think, than the current nature of their relationship justified. But Klaus knew the reason for this somewhat excessive coddling; Dorian was feeling guilty for the mishap the stingy bug had caused in his mission during their last encounter. Truthfully, for all the fury he had displayed at the time he hadn’t been particularly annoyed by what had happened. That was because he acknowledged (not to the thief though, no need to bolster his ego any further), that in general, ever since he and Dorian had reached this new…understanding, Eroica had become far less of a nuisance during his missions than before. They did still run into each other every now and then, but Dorian did not go out of his way to harass him and on more than one occasion he had even been willing to back off on a target of his so as not to jeopardize the Major’s mission. He could be useful, too, when a thief’s skills were needed; even if it was a bit troublesome having to pretend to strong-arm him into helping out, it was mostly worth the trouble. True, it wasn’t always smooth sailing, like last time for instance, but Klaus had long since learnt to factor in such unpredictable incidents and wasn’t especially rattled by them. He had never told Dorian as much though, the main reason for that being that every time the thief felt responsible because some unforeseen event had disrupted Klaus’ mission he always went the extra mile to make amends. These amends usually included a meal consisting of Klaus’ favourite foods, with an extra helping of fried potatoes, ready and hot on the table, – he didn’t know how Dorian managed to pull that off, but he did – a relaxing bath with a completely non-effeminate brand of soap, a freshly brewed pot of Nescafe, the newspapers he liked to read folded on the coffee table. Oh, and all his favourite positions too.

“What I don’t understand is why you bring him along every time,” he said between blowing puffs of smoke from his cigarette towards the ceiling, after a few good rounds of all the aforementioned positions. Dorian had stopped smoking some years ago – “simply disastrous for my skin, darling” – but not even the dangers of second-hand smoking were enough to deter him from cuddling with his beloved. “He’s not even a thief, he’s an accountant! Why don’t you just tell him to mind his bookkeeping and leave the thieving to the rest of you?”

“Believe me, I’ve tried,” sighed Dorian, “but he always insists on coming along, to make sure we don’t make any unnecessary expenses. I believe he also wants to make sure I don’t get into any unnecessary attachments, although after I met you that’s become more or less a moot point.”

Klaus merely snorted, taking care not to let any satisfaction show in his expression. “All this sounds more trouble than worth,” he said flatly. “I’m not going to tell you how to run your affairs, but I just can’t see any usefulness in keeping that clingy, whiny blighter around. Surely it’s not for the pleasure of his company – ” He stopped mid-sentence and whisked around to give Dorian a piercing look. “He doesn’t have any hold over you, does he?”

Dorian laughed, feeling all warm inside by this sudden display of protectiveness. “No, darling,” he said, “nothing of the sort; it’s just not in my nature to abandon my friends, even when over time they become a lot more vexatious than they used to be. Jamesie is one of my oldest friends, you know; he and Bonham were the first two members of the Eroica gang. I daresay he was a lot more amenable back in the day, but that’s all the more reason to keep him with me; the way he is now, no one else would tolerate him and even though he gives the impression he cares only about money, he is still a human being and every human being needs companionship. If he was left on his own, I’m positive that all the money in the world would not be able to pull him out of his misery. Besides, Jamesie isn’t as useless as you seem to think; he is truly a wizard with finances, and that is integral for the success of our operations. Our heists are quite costly, and the budget needs to be balanced most carefully; moreover, I regret to say I do have a propensity for unnecessary expenditures, much like my late father. Without Jamesie I would never be able to restrain myself in that regard, and for all my talents I might not have a penny to my name, let alone manage to buy the castle of my ancestors back. In that sense, he was truly a godsend for me.”

Klaus looked at him thoughtfully, mulling over his words. “Loyalty towards a long-time comrade I can understand,” he said slowly, “and I suppose it’s not a bad thing to have someone curtailing your excessive spending habits, but this obsession with money…it just seems abnormal to me. I’m all for a prudent handling of economics, but this fellow makes Ebenezer Scrooge look extravagant. How did he become like that? Is it because he needs money for a specific purpose? Somehow I can’t believe he’s not getting paid enough to cover his daily expenses.”

“Of course not,” huffed Dorian. “He gets his fair share from our operations, just like everyone else. Not that he needs it anymore, mind you. I’m sure you won’t believe me when I say this but right now, financially speaking, Jamesie is worth more than you and me both.”

Indeed, Klaus was having a mighty hard time believing this, if his arched eyebrows were anything to judge by. “I didn’t know picking pennies out of the gutter paid that much.”

“That’s just a…a compulsion of his, dear. But it wasn’t the only one. For as long as I’ve known him, aside from hoarding coins, Jamesie has been obsessed with finding a way to, as the Yanks say, ‘make it big’. Gain a fat lot of money, all at once. He tried many things, some of them quite outrageous as you know…Well, a few years back, he did it. With the capital he had saved over the years, he started dabbling with one of those newfangled financial schemes that can make one rich in no time, and as you might expect he was a dab hand at it. What was it called again…Jamesie had told me, but I can’t seem to recall it…something to do with gardening…”

“…Gardening?” Klaus raised his eyebrows again, this time in puzzlement; he just couldn’t think of any possible way gardening could make someone filthy rich. “Why yes! Darn it, for the life of me I cannot remember the exact term…I’m going to forget my own name one of these days, I’m sure. But it was certainly something about plants…bushes, I think…”

“…Bushes?” Klaus frowned for a few seconds, thinking hard, then an idea came to him and he looked at Dorian again. “You don’t mean ‘hedge funds’, do you?”

“Yes, exactly! You’re so knowledgeable about these things, darling; as for me, all those fiscal terms go right over my head. Anyway, Jamesie amassed a huge fortune in just a few years with this thing, more than you’d ever believe. I know, because he does all his transactions on Bonham’s laptop; his Casio mini no longer suffices for such large scale transactions, and as you can imagine he would never buy a computer of his own when he can use one for free. And every now and again, Bonham sneaks a peek on the amount in his accounts; last time, the grand total was about…” He leaned into the Major’s ear and whispered discreetly, and Klaus almost dropped his cigarette in surprise.

“Donnerwetter!* Are you seriously telling me that this little runt who’s been wearing the same suit for all his adult life and spends half his time crawling on the ground for coins is currently sitting on enough money to buy both our castles?!”

Dorian let out another laugh. “Unbelievable, isn’t it? And yet, as you can see it’s clearly not enough for him. I suppose you’re not far wrong about him having an unhealthy obsession with money; it’s probably because of his family circumstances as a child, if you ask me.”

“Was he born very poor then?” “Not quite…although I don’t know all the details, just what he told me about himself during the first years of our acquaintance, when we were…closer. He was more open with me back then. It seems his family wasn’t particularly rich or poor; his father had a small business of some sort. But at some point, when Jamesie was still a child, they started having financial difficulties; and around the same time his mother also fell ill. Jamesie wasn’t very clear about how it all went down, but it seems her illness was undertreated due to their money struggles, and in the end she died of it. Jamesie’s father never recovered from her loss; his business went completely under and he took to drinking…Jamesie must have had some very hard times with him, because at the end he was removed from his custody and taken to a home. They had no further contact until his father died a few years later, I believe. I met with him shortly after he had finished his accounting studies and left the home, and he’s been with me ever since. Now, this is just my opinion and I’m certainly no psychologist, but I think he blames their lack of money at the time for his mother’s death and the breakup of his family…and he’s subconsciously convinced that if he had more money he wouldn’t have lost the ones who loved him. It may sound odd, but I believe that money has become a substitute of love for him.”

Klaus did not seem inclined to agree with this. “Hmph…no one can know for sure how a person’s mind works, but I find it a bit hard to believe that he became such an insufferable tightwad solely because of a family tragedy. Lots of other people have lost fortunes and family members and did not become like this. It may have played a role, I suppose, but in my opinion he would not have turned out this way if penny-pinching wasn’t in his nature.”

Dorian shrugged noncommittally. “I can’t deny that’s a possibility too; what we become in life is undoubtedly the result of many factors. All I know is that while Jamesie and I had a closer relationship, he was far less unpleasant and close-fisted than he is now. If you had known him back then you’d be astonished by the difference.” He let out a dejected sigh and went on, “But when my eyes started wandering elsewhere, and he realized I no longer returned his affections…then, he devoted himself to his money again, more fiercely than ever before. I often think I’m the one to blame for this, you know. If only I had kept loving him…then maybe he wouldn’t have been disappointed in humans all over again and his personality would not have been warped like this. But alas, I couldn’t help it. I was too frivolous to stay in love with anyone for long in those days, and when I finally met the one who made it impossible for me to think of anyone else…” He rested his head affectionately on Klaus’ shoulder and added, “...well, let’s just say that one wasn’t Jamesie. But still, I feel bad that in the end I couldn’t save him from himself. I suppose that’s also why I at least want to make sure he has a place he can call home with us. It might be unreasonable but I feel responsible for him, in a way.”

Klaus stared back at him thoughtfully. “Well, I cannot disapprove of anything that can make _you_ feel responsible, even if it’s something like the stingy bug,” he said gruffly. “Besides, practically everyone has some sort of obsession; not always to such a degree, but most people I know have at least one thing they invariably get worked up over. You’re not that much different when you set your sights on whatever frippery strikes your fancy; and I don’t think you can help it any more than the stingy bug can help being niggardly. Although I have to admit that you’ve shown you can exert some control over your thieving tendencies of late. I suppose you should be commended for that.”

“That’s because my single greatest obsession is you, darling,” cooed Dorian, sidling up to Klaus again and draping an alluring hand over the Major’s broad chest. “But you being of a mind to commend me is such a rare occasion that I would be foolish not to make the most of it. As it happens, I have quite a few ideas on how I’d like to be commended.” And so the conversation gave way to more pleasurable pursuits; but deep down, Dorian wasn’t so sure that his conduct was actually that praiseworthy. And he decided he would tell Klaus some other time that, right after James had tripped the alarm and ran out of the room, he had seized the opportunity to open the display of _Narcissus_ and stash it under his voluminous cape before following his accountant outside; it was easy, for the sculpture was indeed exquisite but less than a foot tall. Perhaps the Major wasn’t entirely wrong about certain compulsions being in one’s nature; and if James was a born miser, Eroica was a born thief.

**Author's Note:**

> Donnerwetter! = Damn!


End file.
